A Reluctant Review of ‘Twilight: New Moon’ – Not Feeling It Girls

I honestly tried my best to release the inner romantic in me and like this movie, but I could not, sorry girls. Twilight: New Moon tells the lovelorn story of Bella and Tickle Me Elmo vampire Edward and a hot barely legal kid werewolf Jacob. It is the second in this series, this time out the story takes place shortly after the first film ended. Bella and Elmoward are having a relationship. And I guess everything is all peachy, but some redheaded vampire bitch is after Bella for being whiney and boring, I’m sure for the events that took place in the first film. Edward decides to leave his beloved for her safety and not tell her where he’s going. This sends Bella into some sort of heartachey nightmare producing state that I didn’t understand. Seriously, what now? Edward left now she’s catatonic and has night terrors?

So I feel asleep about an hour in, so the details are fuzzy for me at best. What I did retain is Edward is all dark and angst-y and Bella is crazy Glen Close obsessed with him. They need to just have some sex already, I might have become mildly interested. While Edward is missing in action, Bella bonds with bangin’ body Jacob. Frankly, I have no earthly idea what the hell Jacob was saying nor did I care, I just wanted him shirtless as much as possible. Anyway, we find out Jacob is a werewolf and he too has fallen in love with Bella. Bottom line, she chooses Edward.

Now, can I say I was remotely entertained by this movie? No, because I wasn’t, the whole thing had the feel of something that should have been on Lifetime. The special effects were cheap and just comical, sorry. I don’t get what’s hot about Robert Pattinson. His brows are just out of control. Pattinson looks like Abe Vigoda (look him up, you’ll agree). Kristen Stewart is just awful, she’s stiff and could really stand to take an acting class or two. She always manages to have the same pained expression on her face no matter the movie. Taylor Lautner, I don’t know I think he delivered the lines as written, no more no less.

Overall, I am apparently missing the extra hormone that makes all the other girls sequel in glee at this movie. I was squealing though in agony because the damn thing was over two hours long. Don’t see it!