This contains big time spoilers. If you haven’t watched the episode, I am advising you turn back now. Save yourself.**
I always suspected something was off about that creepy coroner guy. And as we discovered last night I was right. Creepy coroner guy is a vampire. Although we are unsure when he was turned, I’m almost positive it was before the Great Vampire Human War of 2012 actually started. Mike (his government name) was creepy all the while if you ask me. Nonetheless, Mike met his demise when he shows up at Stackhouse Manor intent on dining on Sookie. Sookie goes Buffy on him with a pair of chopsticks. See ya Mike! Speaking of eating. What the hell is Tina Majorino not been eating; that bitch is tiny now. Anyway, Jenna was sentenced to the true death by Bill and the rest of the vampire Congress because she refused to drink the Lilith Kool-Aid. See ya Tina!
Now after what has been a long overdue absence we are graced with the greatness that is Our Lady Housedress, Hoyt’s momma. Momma Housedress while driving Hoyt home from the hospital after his attack last week from Tammy and the late Sheriff Dearborn informs us that she has purchased her baby boy with a brand new California king bed. She ‘doesn’t approve of the state, but they makes good beds’ she utters. Momma also calls Jessica a Cheetos®-headed Tramp, loves it, love everything about it, can’t wait to call some floosy that shit. Hoyt informs her she doesn’t need to cut the tags off the mattress because he is in fact moving to Alaska to shoot moose with Sarah Palin. Not really, but he is moving. Hoyt asks Jason and Jessica to meet him at Marlotte’s to also tell them he is moving far away from Bon Temps. He asks Jessica to glamour him so that he no longer remembers Jason or her. In what was probably the weepiest moment this season Cheetos®-head obliges him. And just like that I dislike Hoyt less than I have in a while. See ya Hoyt!
Back at Fangtasia Marilyn Mason Deux continues to shake Pam and Tara down and tells them they must make 30 new vampires or suffer the consequences. Pam tells Tara they will hit the bricks before she will live under the thumb of anyone. But, Tara has other plans; she has poor Ginger to con Marilyn by pretending to be half dead. Tara then stakes him, making Ginger loose the rest of her mind. She tells Pam, “No one fucks with us in our house.” This one moment, made me like Tara a little. (That was a hard sentence to type.) See ya Marilyn!
In the other many, many, many storylines going on this season, we have Sam and Luna running around trying to figure out how to get Emma back from Rev. Newlin. Sookie and Jason also find an ancient scroll-thingy with a pact between Ancestor Stackhouse and Wallow written on it in weird Fairy writing. Yes, the same Wallow that murdered the parents. I’m sure there’s a dun, dun, dun moment in there, but meh. I was more on board when I thought Wallow was Russell. And can I just ask once more, what’s up with homeboy’s wig? We also saw a pregnant fairy. Is that Andy’s baby momma? Remember when he slept with the fairy last season? Just saying.
Bill summoned Cheetos®-head to the Vampire Congress to show off the fact that this season he’s an Evangelist. Jessica clearly uncomfortable because her human father was a religious nutter and it wasn’t much fun for her. The congress continues to brainwash Eric by force-feeding him
LSD Lilith blood. During this particular trip he Godric shows up and he killed by Lilith. Afterwards Eric confesses his allegiance to her. I’m pretty sure he’s faking, but at this point who knows? Then there was THE moment. The moment where old King Crazy returned, yes it was bound to happen soon or later. Russell ‘o Bad Wig told Salome’ she could basically take her veils and shove them up her hoo-ha so to speak. He informed the Congress he was sick of listening to their stupid rules, he would kill who he wants when he wants and there was nothing any of them could do about it. Seriously the dude made a speech and left the room in a daze. See ya Russell!
Overall, this episode was pretty mundane, I think we are being set in up for the finale coming in two episodes. It seems the show is trying to finish out all the
unnecessary side-storylines. So I would give it 6/10 if I were rating it. Thoughts, theories, groans, moans?
Slipping further into religious fervor, Bill (Stephen Moyer) gives Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll) an order she’s loath to carry out. Armed with a damning video of Russell (Denis O’Hare) and Steve (Michael McMillian), the military delivers an ultimatum to the Authority. Claude (Giles Matthey) and Maurella (Kristina Anapau) take Sookie (Anna Paquin) to meet the faerie elder, who may know something about an ancient family secret. Alcide (Joe Manganiello) reconnects with his father; Sam (Sam Trammell) and Luna (Janina Gavankar) hitch a ride into the Authority.